One

She put the cigarette to her lips, pressing slightly as she inhaled, tasting the sweet oils from the clove. The cigarette gave a satisfying crackle, the orange glow from the burning end lighting up an otherwise dark night. She took it from her mouth, holding the smoke inside until finally releasing it into the the night air. The cold took all that was inside her and grabbed onto it, a large thick cloud of smoke that separated into the air and became nothing again. It was her life, the something that really meant nothing. Wistfully, she put the clove back to her lips in the same motion. So deep in thought, she forgot the cigarette and the movement became involuntary. Inhale, breathe. Exhale, let go. Day in. Day out. Same old, same old. She was tired. What did it all mean? Where was she going? Where was the end? It didn't make sense.

She'd grown up in a painted glass house. She only knew what was shown to her. People were good. Good people win. Bad people existed, but they were far away. They were the "others", those that didn't conform to the way she knew. And they'd lose in the end. Her life was comfortable and safe and predictable. And above it all, God was watching.

But who was God? She stopped knowing a long time ago. He stopped making sense once the real world seeped in through the cracks in the glass. She realized that she never really knew him at all anyways. The world was fucked, and God wasn't anywhere in sight. He disappeared altogether when the glass house shattered completely, leaving her standing in the center all alone. He had given up on her, so she gave up on him.

She snuffed out the cigarette and looked at the door leading inside. Through the stained window she could see them. An outsider might see perfection, a happy family. She saw the demons that crawled all over them, her demons. One happily mixed the salad that would be part of dinner. The other rested comfortably in her father's arms as he put the finishing touches to the set table. He had always been better at this than she was. She couldn't understand why it didn't come naturally. It just didn't. Yet he had embraced parenthood with great ease. She had thought she wanted it too. But each positive pregnancy test cinched the chains even tighter, the chains that had been there since the day she was born. It solidified the fact that she would always be in this world of black and white, forget the shades of grey, and deny the stains of red.

She could stay in the night forever. The cool air felt good against her skin, making her forget the sticky heat from the day. Looking up, the moon was cresting over the giant tree that stood behind the fence that encased their property. It was nearly full, only a wisp of a cloud threatening its magnificent glow. A few stars sparkled across the sky, daring to make an appearance despite the competition from the city lights. She could faintly hear the sounds of the highway in the distance, a dull roar that danced in and out of the wind. She had heard it calling her. The sound was dangerous and exciting to her, enticing her to join in and be a part of it. She had always done what was expected of her, and she knew that deep down she would never give in to the unusual. She couldn't help but laugh to herself over that. Obey. Look what obeying had gotten her. Look at the last act God inflicted on her before he ceased to exist.

Standing at a crossroads for the millionth night in a row, she looked towards that invisible highway, and then back at her blonde girls now sitting at the table with their daddy, waiting for her. She sighed, turned the knob, and closed the door behind her.